Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
