I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
just found out that she named her cat after me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
