The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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