I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
