i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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