Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
