Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
