I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I lost the right to judge tonight
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
