I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
