I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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