i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
40s are totally the cure
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
