and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Let's paint friendship bongs
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
