I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
