I wish I could teleport
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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