mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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