Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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