Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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