Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
