Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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