i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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