Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
