I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
