Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
