How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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