For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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