thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
