just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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