I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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