Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i will never coherently bang her
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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