oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
