evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
