Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize