did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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