I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
