There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
