She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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