Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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