i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
