A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You can't just leave with hair like that
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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