I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You pole danced in your parka.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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