Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
