So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize