U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
