At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
