As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
