if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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