I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
