he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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