even my farts smell like vagina
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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