i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
