Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize