I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
