apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
