I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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