I want to make a zoo with you.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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