it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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