I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
