i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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