awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
