my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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