For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
