I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
