you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
