To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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