I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
