Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
