You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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